I have really bad luck with doctors.

I choose to believe that, because the other option is believing that the majority of doctors in the US are egotistical, arrogant assholes entirely lacking in compassion, and that is just too bleak for me.

Last year, in the wake of some horrific side effects caused by the SSRI I was on for anxiety, I went to a doctor to get assistance in getting off the meds. I had hardly slept for the last 4-6 weeks, my appetite was zero which meant I’d lost some 10 pounds in that time as well (and y’all, I’m optimistically 5’2″ – so that’s not a small amount for me), and I’d been having inexplicable crying jags for hours on end almost every day. Plus, the meds totally tanked my sex drive and we all know that’s no bueno. I was scared. I was frustrated. I was so out of it I almost walked outside without pants on at one point.

That visit was one of the most dehumanizing experiences I’d ever had in my life. Though the nurse looked visibly concerned for my well-being, the doctor, as near as I can tell, decided I was a junkie after a minute or less of interaction with me and had absolutely no sympathy or compassion for my pain and fear. She told me she wouldn’t help me get off of the medication and that in her opinion, I should stay on it, but get off the other medication which wasn’t giving me side effects.

I went outside, sat in the car, and cried for a solid five minutes before I was capable of driving. I got home, looked at the medication documentation, did some more research, and discovered that the side effects I was having were indicative of a negative reaction so strong, patients usually become suicidal.

I got off the SSRIs by myself and dealt with the hours of migraines and other withdrawal symptoms totally alone (along with, oh joy, another few weeks of the aforementioned side affects).

A few weeks ago, I had a doctor’s appointment that didn’t go quite that badly, but started out with, “…and, obviously, keep your number of sex partners low…if you can” and progressed to “Some people have painful periods, I don’t know what to tell you,” accompanied by a shrug.

(Which is true, sure, but puking/dry heaving for over an hour because of the pain? Not normal, sorry, and you could at least act a little more sympathetic about it if you’re effectively going to tell me to bugger off.)

My GP that I started seeing earlier this year is absolutely amazing. I have found myself on the verge of tears at the end of an appointment because it is so glorious to be listened to with compassion and, sadly, so unusual. But after the above incidents and several smaller-but-still-not-fun ones, I now approach any doctor’s appointment with a high level of trepidation.

If you’re freelancing, self employed, or any kind of an entrepreneur, you’re not in it because you want to be told what to do.

You’re in it because you have an independent streak a mile wide (possibly wider). You’re in it because you saw a better way to do things. You’re in it because you (hopefully) want to make a positive difference.

And sometimes, you’re scared shitless, frustrated and pissed off, or just confused, and you don’t know what to do.

And that’s okay.

My luck with business coaches is not anywhere near as bad as my luck with doctors, but it has been spotty, for sure. I’ve been burned once or twice, but my main problem is actually something entirely different:

• I choose to work with people and they get excited about a particular idea for me
• I get excited because they’re excited
• And also, I’m paying them, so I should be listening to them
• And also also, I’m paying them because I believe they know what they’re talking about
• …which is yet another reason I should listen to them and this idea that they have for me is probably the Best Thing Ever™

This means, after I’m done working with a particular person:

• I fizzle out on whatever ideas they gave me – because my enthusiasm was contagious enthusiasm, not real enthusiasm.
• I’m left feeling hopeless, like I’m spinning my wheels and/or “doing it wrong,” because I can’t or don’t actually want to make this idea work.
• And honestly, I usually feel like I’ve wasted my money (…again) – even though I know that person XYZ is brilliant and I always learn something of value, a month or two later, I feel like I’m back at square one.

Not ideal. Obviously.

It’s hard to get up the courage to ask for help. It feels vulnerable and annoying and like you’re walking around with a big fucking bullseye on your back and a sign that says, “Hey! I can’t figure this probably-really-simple thing out! Come mock me for my unmatched idiocy!”

It’s even harder to ask for help when, after you got up the courage to do it initially, you had less than desirable results.

Like not being listened to or ideas that go nowhere. But you have to do it anyways. 

Because just like ignoring a health problem isn’t going to make it go away (why yes, I am seeking a second opinion), ignoring the fact that you inevitably have blind spots in how you’re working (whether that’s planning, or setting up follow up systems, or prioritizing, or coming up with the over-arching theme to your services, or…you get the idea) isn’t going to get you anywhere. It’s just going to fester until it gets worse.

Which is why I am giving the whole “asking for help” thing yet another go. Even though it’s scary and hard not to doubt.

And I hope you do, too.

This post is part of the Bravery Blogging Project hosted by Illana of Makeness Media. You can find other posts that are part of the project & join in here, or by using the #braveblogging hashtag. 

Yesterday Basecamp went down. It was the most agonizing way to spend 36 minutes on a Monday morning. (I don’t use Basecamp for personal use, but guess where I do use it? The day job. Where I was trying to get a jump start on prioritizing and planning my week. And I couldn’t access anything. Rawr.) Especially considering that – irony! – we had just spent the last week and a half getting über-organized. So where was everything?

Basecamp.

Sigh.

Unfortunately, this is something that comes with the territory of using online project management. But there are a few things you can do to help mitigate this annoyance…which are, of course, conveniently collected for you below.

Note: this is for instances of “crap, this is down for a few minutes/hours,” not “holy shit it’s completely offline and is never ever coming back.” I’m not paranoid enough to plan for that. And if that happens, honestly I’ll be just as screwed as the rest of y’all. 

Always know your priorities

This is why it’s important to stop sucking at priorities. If you always know what your top three priorities are, at any given time, then you know what you need to be working on. You might have to do some thinking and checking of email to be for sure on what your next steps are, so it won’t be as efficient as if you had easy access to things, but you’ll at least be working instead of staring at the computer screen swearing a blue streak.

Keep at least some of your notes outside

This is where Evernote comes in handy, because it syncs for offline access – so you can access some version of your notes wherever you’re at, as long as you have your phone/tablet/computer with you (and how often is that not the case? be honest!). You can also use Google Docs with offline access, or – stay with me here – a notebook. (These are my favorite.) As long as you’re keeping said notebook organized, of course. (More on that coming soon.)

Use task tools with offline access

Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of really good tools that include offline access/syncing. And even then, you’ll want to make sure it syncs on your phone or tablet pretty regularly – otherwise, you’ll just wind up looking at your to-do’s and notes from three weeks ago, and that’s no bueno. Here’s three options:

Wrike: It looks like the mobile apps sync for offline access.

Droptask: Okay, I have got to review this. That aside, same as Wrike – the mobile apps provide offline access.

Daylite by Marketcircle: Which is one of the only well-designed project management/productivity tools that isn’t made primarily for functioning in the cloud.

That’s all I got. I guess there’s always the handy-dandy option of keeping everything analog…but y’all know how I feel about that option!

Photo credit: Elvis Kennedy

Things I am sick of: people who brand themselves as a maverick, nonconfirmist, rebel, straight-shooter, (insert “edgy” adjective here)…and then use that as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want. Act first, ask questions later, not think about other peoples’ feelings or experiences, and any time they get called on their shit? Yo, you just don’t get their badass rebel vibe, man! Don’t be such a hater!

Sad fact: sometimes you’re not being a rebel. You’re just kind of being a dick. 

How to tell if you’re being a jerk or not:

You’re wasting someone elses’ time or energy.

Are you sending someone a long email that they didn’t ask for, explaining all the reasons they’re wrong? Are you asking someone to do something to gain your approval or respect – especially if they never indicated they want it in the first place? Wasting someone elses’ time is one of the most dickish things you can do, because they can’t ever get it back afterwards.

You’re violating boundaries.

Are you giving someone advice when they said they only wanted a space to vent? Are you publishing things that were said in private (i.e. via email, private message, or DM) publicly – whether you’re naming the person or not? Did they say they don’t want to hear advice about their opt-in but instead they want to hear advice on their copy, and you’re critiquing them on everything from the name of their business to the footer on their website?

You have to say “the truth hurts” to make yourself feel better about saying what you’re saying.

“The truth hurts” is one of my massive red-flag phrases. People who say it usually are fully aware they’re being assholes, but they want to feel justified and like some kind of Badass Internet Vigilante, so they spew a pile of vitriol and wrap it up with “sorry, but the truth hurts!” No. Your face hurts.

You’re giving someone unsolicited advice under the guise of “tough love.”

Unsolicited advice is a pet peeve of mine. And opinions on it vary wildly. But quite frankly, unless someones’ life or well-being is at risk, I don’t think it is ever called for – especially if it’s unsolicited criticism-cloaked-as-advice. Not least because being on the receiving end of that, there is little to no way to sort out whatever is actual, practical advice versus what’s the advice-sender’s personal baggage or history being transferred over. Unless I ask for your opinion on how I’m running my life, work, relationship, or business, then I damn well don’t want it*, and giving it to me anyways is intrusive and asinine.

The phrase “tough love” is kind of like “the truth hurts.” If you’re saying that, you’re just trying to make yourself feel better about doing something that you know is wrong. Don’t make me pull out my machete of internet justice on your ass.

*I will of course make exceptions for the aforementioned risks to life/well-being of myself or others and sometimes make exceptions for close friends. 

The final decider?

If someone behaved the way you’re behaving – for example, critiqued you publicly without giving you the chance to defend yourself, sent you an email criticizing your branding and/or life choices, or said something that hurt you deeply and then followed it up with “the truth hurts.” Genuinely switch roles here. (Key point: with you having no idea of the other persons’ motives behind saying or doing these things.)  Would you feel justified in telling yourself about how they’re such a hater? Would being on the receiving end of that experience make you want to post a rant to Facebook and rally all your friends? Or bitch about it over happy hour drinks with your best friend?

Because if so, then chances are, you’re being kind of a jerk – whether intentionally or not. So. You know. Stop. You’re an adult. You know better. Just fucking stop it. Apologize if you have to, own the fact that you screwed up – we all do – and improve your damn behavior, already.

And for shit’s sake, stop calling yourself a rebel every chance you get. It’s tacky.

PS: if reading this list made you mad at me…well, the truth hurts, yanno. 😉

Photo Credit: Libertinus via Compfight cc

Late (which is sadly becoming something of a pattern – sleep/energy issues ahoy) but here’s the recap for February 2014:

Biz

What worked: Honestly, I didn’t do much biz-wise in February. I wanted to do more, and I did at least post more on the blog, but I just didn’t have as much time or energy as I thought I would to dedicate to it. I did do some planning and strategy work, which is good.

What didn’t: I couldn’t figure out why sales were so low for the spring-cleaning sale…and then realized that WooCommerce pushed an update that had the checkout process glitching. Of course, I didn’t find that out until the sale had about 24 hours left. Which left me with the age old dilemma of: extend the sale and have it look super tacky, or leave the sale be and assume that someone will contact me if they really wanted to buy (so I can extend the discount for them). I mostly went with #2. I am always worried about false scarcity bullshit and perpetuating it, so I erred a little on the side of definitely not doing that here.

What I want to try in March: My main goal in March is to have a table of contents, writing sample, and query letter done for the book so I can start querying agents in April. Aside from that, I want to blog more regularly and also pitch xoJane a piece (even if it doesn’t get accepted). I think I’m also going to revisit advertising in April, and am doing some preliminary research on what spots would be the best places for me to advertise. And I’m working on a guest posting/guest article strategy, though I need to be careful not to overshoot there or else I’ll wind up beating myself up for goals that were unrealistic in the first place. No, Michelle, you can’t write a guest post and a blog post for your blog every single week while working on a book, working/commuting 45-50 hours, and still having time for your boyfriend, friends, & your dog. That’s crazy talk, okay? Calm the fuck down.

Health

What worked: I started meditating more regularly, which, especially if I do it right before bed, means that I tend to fall asleep pretty quickly and sleep through the night. I kept up with exercising and yoga, not every single day, but it’s still a pretty solid habit of mine, which is A+ – there was one period of about 5 days where I didn’t do much of either, and I definitely noticed a difference in how I felt.

What didn’t: I don’t think it was anything I was doing or not doing – because this has been a recurring issue and this is just the latest flare up – but especially for the last week of February, I was so. fucking. tired. I couldn’t hardly function. I mean, we’re talking, sleeping nine hours a night and waking up feeling like I slept for five or less. Sleep has been a recurring issue for me, and this combined with a few other factors is leaving me with the suspicion that there might be something funky going on with my thyroid. Either way, yeah, no bueno.

What I want to try in March: Go to the doctor and start running tests. Keep going to acupuncture, and have another massage appointment (I did one already).

Money

What worked: I started cutting down drastically on my recurring payments – I don’t know if there have been any studies done on the psychology of recurring payments/subscriptions, but there should be. Because I swear. I did up the math and I had no idea how much I was spending because it was all $8 here, $5 there, $10 there. I’m consolidating a lot of my old website hosting plans for things I’m not really using any more, fixing up old email addresses so I can delete them, downsizing the things I am still subscribed to, and so on.

What didn’t: Towards the end of the month, I found myself in the typical end-of-month tight spot again and freaked out. And that started the “oh my god you’re so fucking bad with money why are you so bad at being an adult LITERALLY EVERYONE CAN DO THIS BUT YOU” soundtrack…until I stopped and actually did the math and realized that I had close to $700 of not only unexpected, but unexpectable expenses in February. Cue record scratch and the realization that if that had happened most months last year, I wouldn’t have had enough money to eat. Okay, duly noted. (I guess what didn’t work here is getting back into old stories, what did work was actually doing the math.)

What I want to try in March: Continue checking on and canceling recurring payments that I don’t need, though I think I have most of them cut out. Consider investing in a better mattress/bedframe because I don’t think that’s helping the sleep issues, though it’s definitely not the root cause – but I need to budget carefully. I’m trying to figure out how I can juggle setting up savings, investing in a couple of things that I actually kinda need and that will improve my life long term (that mattress, for one, and a decent bike that I can use for getting around town, for another), and paying back debts, all while paying my bills and not setting myself into scarcity-freakout mode at any point. So this will be fun.

Other

Do I have anything to talk about here? Not that I can think of, offhand. Aside from the sleep issues, things have really been going pretty solidly. Which I am super grateful for – I would change a few things if I could, for sure, but overall, as 2014 progresses, I’m already getting a lot of clarity on what I want in my life, what I don’t, and what I can do to increase the first group and either decrease or accept things in the second group. Yay. Clarity.

That was my February – feel free to share your experiences in the comments. (Or don’t and just lurk. Yanno. Whatever. 😉 )

CoSchedule isn’t technically a productivity tool, but it’s still incredibly useful + time saving. Here’s the bullet points in case you don’t have time to watch the video:

• Price: $10/month
• Social media editorial calendar plugin for WordPress
• What that actually means: it lets you schedule social media updates, corresponding to a particular post, from within the WordPress dashboard, immediately after writing or scheduling said post.
• Which saves a surprising amount of time compared to going to a different tool or app and then having to schedule out each post individually and manually selecting a day/time.
• The interface is a visual drag and drop calendar – which, if you’ve watched any of my other video reviews, you know I’m huge on that. In this case, it makes it much easier to see duplicate posts and/or spread out posts evenly instead of them being awkwardly batched on a particular day.
• It also gives you way more control over how the links will appear than I’ve seen on other social media tools.
• Last but not least, it could definitely make things easier if you have a team involved in posting and scheduling posts.

In short: highly recommended, if you use WordPress and want to streamline your social media posting. 

(PS: None of these are affiliate links – Coschedule does have a blogger review program though, which I was happy to participate in since I was paying for it anyways, and y’all know I love me some handy apps.)

Priorities. We all need them. But people have a really hard time setting them – we have so many things tugging at our attention and energy that it can be incredibly hard to figure out what’s worthwhile and what’s not. During the latest live round of Rock Your Systems, I taught the participants an exercise they seemed to find particularly useful in filtering goals/tasks/systems to create priorities – so I thought I’d share it with y’all. If you don’t have time to watch the video, here’s the outline:

How to stop sucking at priorities in three steps:

First: Know your big vision. This is different than a super detailed goal – this is basically your guiding light when it comes to making decisions. I encourage people to have a one year vision and a five year vision. Again, this is about clarity, not details. For example, “By the end of this year, I want to be doing 75% group work and 25% 1:1 work,” not “By the end of this year, I want to be making $X a month through these six income streams, split up in these ratios.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with having goals that detailed. That’s just not what I mean when I say “big vision,” and it’s not what we’re using in this context.)

Second: Make a list of all your projects, tasks, and/or business systems that are begging for your attention right now. Self explanatory.

Three: Use the matrix to sort. Things will fall into one of four categories:

1. Supportive of your big vision + high leverage. These are things that will give you a disproportionate ROI for your time and effort, and support your big vision. I’d categorize my guest post for Design*Sponge that I did last year as falling in this category. For most service providers, client and customer follow up falls in this category, too.
2. Supportive of your big vision + low leverage. These, you won’t necessarily get the same sort of return on investment – you’re not going to put in a few hours and see huge results for it. But it’s still worth doing, because it’s moving you towards your vision.
3. Not supportive of your big vision + high leverage. These are the “take it or leave it” things. Obviously, you don’t want to be doing anything that’s counter to your big vision! This might be something that doesn’t move you actively away from your vision, but isn’t necessarily moving you towards it by leaps and bounds, either. But will still give you some kind of dividend if you do it.  I’d suggest outsourcing or delegating this, if you’re going to do it.
4. Not supportive of your big vision + low leverage. Throw this shit out, you don’t need to worry about it.

At the end, you want to have three priorities or less. If you’ve got three tasks/projects/systems that fall into area #1, then bam. You’re done. Once you get those knocked out, you can move onto area two. And so on.

The great thing about this process is that it can be used to give you a quick point of reference on the macro level or the micro level. You can use it for your yearly priorities and goals just as easily as you can use it for your monthly, weekly, or daily goals, or really any time you to figure out what to clear off your plate.

And if you want a printable to help you work through the process, I made one for ya. Just make a list of all the projects/tasks/etc. you need to filter, then print this out & categorize them:

(right click or CMD-click the image & “save as” to download the PDF)

If you want to learn more, check out Rock Your Systems – now in self-study format! 

I don’t know about you, but I never get all my planning done in the first week of January. Usually I take the whole month to plan, and this year? I want to make sure I’m building a solid foundation that takes into account everything (not just number-based business or income goals, like I have a tendency to do), so I’m still not 100% done with my 2014 planning; I expect to wrap it up by the end of February. (I know, I know! Bad productivity nerd! But what good is planning if we don’t do it well, amirite?) 

Anyways, for the other late-planners in the house, I wanted to round up all the posts, resources, and planners I’ve found useful thus far, along with some that I haven’t used yet but have read rave reviews of.

Techniques, tricks, & resources

From ye olde archives: How to review your life and plan an amazing new year (which is really a resource roundup in and of itself…)
Again from the archives: The easiest tactic to actually make that habit stick in the new year
How I plan out my life & business in 2014
The making magic in 2014 hangout video is worth watching – good stuff within.
The S.M.A.R.T. goal planning manifesto

Books: 

The Desire Map is wonderful, and it’s been really useful to me (like pretty much everything Danielle has put out!). Of course I still have goal-goals – this is me we’re talking about – but given my tendency to be overly metric focused and to only set work goals and let the rest of my life fall by the wayside, this book was incredibly helpful.

I’ve raved about it before and I’ll rave about it again – the Accidental Creative is great for learning how to revamp your productivity systems. (I’m overdue for a reread, myself.) I think it’s a safe assumption his new book, Die Empty, is just as good, though I haven’t read it yet, and I’m not sure how it applies to yearly or quarterly planning. Same goes for Pam Slim’s Body of Work – I’ve heard great things, and I’d think it’d be useful in yearly/etc. check-ins, reviews, and planning, but I haven’t read it myself yet. (Hopefully soon…but I have this whole deal about trying to read my massive backlog of books I currently have, first. 😉 )

Apps & sites

Decent round-up: Best goal-setting apps

My favorite apps that I predict will be the most useful making this year work: 

• Way of Life – there are a lot of goal-tracking apps out there, but I think this is my favorite. It’s flexible and simple to get started but has more depth than a lot of the “streak” apps. It did take me a bit to really figure out how to use it but the tour helped. Free, $4.99 upgrade to do more than 3 tasks.
• SmilingMind – great meditation app; so far I love it. It’s intended for small children but you know what? It’s been great at training me to meditate more again! Free (possibly with a paid upgrade? not sure!) for iPhone.
• SleepBot – beautiful, simple sleep-tracking and alarm app. Free for iPhone and Android.
• Azendoo – full review coming soon. I LOVE IT.

Other: 

• I haven’t tried Lifetick, but it looks interesting
• Same for Beeminder – y’all know I love to quantify things
• For those of you who like minimalist-style tools, this is an excellent how-to on Workflowy (which I just.can’t.get.into myself but I know people who love it)

Planners & other tools

Planners:

• There are, of course, the Bombchelle planners! You can get the 2014 planner, the weekly planner kit, or both in one bundle at a discount.
• Free planners (with paid versions) – at Productive Flourishing, for creative freelancers
• The Desire Map day planner is a nice companionto the book.
• I haven’t used the Day Designer planners, but I see others raving about them.
• Last but not least – Weekdate!

Other: 

• Free printable Don’t Break the Chain calendars – in three different colors + black
• Free printable four week calendar that uses the same idea
• Awesome free printable tools, with paid versions, at Dave Seah – concrete goals tracker, emergent task planner, etc.
• Everyday Hustlin’ 2014 calendar ($24)
• Goal Setting & Action Workbook (free)

That’s all I’ve got – what favorite resources did you find in January?

I didn’t grow up knowing I was pretty.

Which is weird, because I remember being told it. I remember hearing it from my family, and family friends, and occasionally a teacher or two here and there (in an appropriate way, not in a woah-creepy way). But even at a young age I had a tendency for self-deprecation, and I distinctly remember thinking “They have to say that, they don’t really mean it.” (My other tendency from a young age for making shitty mean-girl friends, who would now be referred to as “frenemies”[1. What does that even mean? Is the expectation just that girls are going to be shitty to each other or what? Can we mush other opposite words together to create a word to describe a concept and a reality that probably shouldn’t even exist?], probably didn’t help either.)

I was mostly okay with not being pretty. It made for really good dramatic fantasies about my crushes (“I know I’m not very pretty,” I’d say, and he’d reply with “Oh, I don’t care about that!”). And honestly, I’m glad I grew up knowing that I was smart and capable and strong. I’d choose that over pretty, any day.

And I do.

—

I got my first tattoo on my 18th birthday.

in the middle of tattoo #7

I’d been planning it for at least a year. As soon as I graduated high school – less than a month later – I dyed my hair blue. Over the next two years, I got two more tattoos, all fairly sizeable[2. My first tattoo was on my hip crossing directly over the hipbone, a not-very-pleasant area to get tattooed if you’re a skinny lil thing, and spreads about 6? across and 4-5? tall. I remember one of the other tattoo artists walking in after the stencil had been applied and I was checking it out in the mirror. His reaction: “Wait, is this your first tattoo?” “Yup!” “Damn, you don’t fuck around, do you?” No, no sir, I do not.] (especially for small-town Missouri) and got my nose pierced. My hair has since been every color of the rainbow & then some, and now, the tattoo count ranks in at eight, with no plans of stopping any time soon.

I expected to take all kinds of shit for having fairly visible tattoos and an overall, let’s say, distinctive appearance, but I was surprised at the lack of variety in the feedback. Instead of getting a whole range of critique, I  got the same two comments over and over again.

Comment number one:

“Do you have a boyfriend? Does he let you do that?” (Variations: “Oh, my boyfriend/husband would never let me get a tattoo.” “Do you have a boyfriend? Oh, it’s so nice that he lets you do that.” “How are you going to find a good husband looking like that?”)

Comment number two:

“You’re such a pretty girl, why would you do that to yourself?” (Variations: “You’d be so pretty if you hadn’t done that to yourself.” “You know, tattoos are just never attractive on anyone.”)

Comment number one pissed me off greatly, and for obvious reasons. One time when I got one of the variations (“…so nice he lets you do that…”) I remember looking the offender square in the eye and saying, “Excuse me, I’m an adult. Nobody lets me do anything.” They were clearly unsure what to do with that reaction.

These comments are constant reminders that some people still view women as property.

Property. Chattel. A woman is a kind of pet – maybe like a very smart dog, but with a  possessive, pet-like property nonetheless – to be owned by men, be it her father or her significant other.

(Along those lines, I once had an old man tell me that if his daughter came home with hair like mine, he’d beat her with a belt. Allrightythen.)

By choosing to create an unorthodox appearance, I was marking myself as a misbehaving pet. Or –gasp – someone who didn’t want to be owned at all.

And that threw people for a loop, lemmetellya.

The second comment (and variations thereof) also pissed me off, but I couldn’t articulate exactly why for the longest time.

I think part of what threw me about it is that I didn’t grow up thinking of myself as pretty, and I hadn’t heard it from very many people (outside of the aforementioned biased sources) before. So to suddenly – from strangers! en masse! – be told that I was pretty but that I had ruined my pretty, was disorienting, to say the least.

It was only after a lot of reflection that I figured it out.

These people, whether consciously or not (I suspect not, most of the time, though I don’t think that makes it any better), were telling me that my main value in society was to be eye candy. My looks were public property, and by taking those looks and making them something outside the oh-so-very narrow norm of attractiveness (and I’m still thin, curvy, white, and able-bodied, which is a huge testament to how fucking narrow that slice o’the pie is), I was doing the equivalent of saying, “Hey asshole, it’s not my imperative to be eye candy for you.”

And the “feedback” and resistance I encountered articulated a larger cultural narrative: women are ornaments.

Women are meant to be pretty, and quiet, and speak only when spoken to, and make someone a very good (subtext: docile) wife someday. Our bodies are public property and we can’t – shouldn’t be allowed to – make decisions about them ourselves.

By having tattoos and rainbow hair I’m clearly saying to anyone with eyes that I don’t really care about being ornamental. I’m taking ownership of my body[3. A third category of predictable reactions, which I could go off on a whole ‘nother sidebar about, was random frat-boy-types assuming that I was a prostitute and/or easy and/or would be super kinky in bed. Why is it that taking ownership of your body automatically equates to deviancy and being “open for business” with anyone who will have you, I wonder?] in a very visible, very public way, that’s easy to see and make assumptions about, without engaging me in a long conversation. (Or, uh, any conversation at all.)

Because that’s what my tattoos and my hair and my nose ring are really about.

They’re about owning my body and the story that comes with it.

This tattoo reminds me that no matter how many times I fail (and oh god there have been so many) I can always choose to get back up and go at it harder. And I always do.

This tattoo reminds me that I went through the worst three years of my life – three years that could have, and arguably should have, left me or anyone else bruised, bleeding, and broken – and came out the other side stronger than ever, in control of my destiny.

This tattoo marks the realization – not intellectually, but the moment when it actually sunk in on a visceral gut-knowledge level – that, no, I’m not a girl, I’m a woman, and a pretty badass one at that.

My appearance is about saying, this is me. Take it or leave it. 

——————

In 2009, I moved to Austin, TX, where I’ve lived for four years and in that time have not heard a single rude or distressing comment about my appearance. Instead, I’ve mostly received compliments. The city motto is “Keep Austin Weird”, so perhaps that’s to be expected.

In small-town Missouri, I’m nearly circus-freak weird looking, in Austin, I’m merely distinctive. And although I’m not sure if I now carry myself differently or with more authority and confidence, but the times I’ve visited home, I haven’t experienced any rude remarks either – just some stares.

Unfortunately, I still run into the above attitudes online a fair amount (the shit people will say on Facebook, I tell ya).

But what can be done about that, except for trying to open a dialogue about why, exactly, it’s so fucked up to tell a woman, who didn’t ask for your opinion, that you don’t approve of what she’s doing with her body?

Let’s repeat: a woman’s body and how she adorns it is not anyone’s business except hers.

—

If I could say one thing to the all of the people who made those snarky remarks, and to everyone else who even thinks about saying them, it would be this:

The joke’s on you.

Because those daily shitty comments, over the two years between my start on the journey of deciding how I wanted to look and my move to Austin, made me tougher. Not only tougher, but a lot more quick-witted, and a lot more comfortable talking to strangers.

You wanted to put me in my place – subtly or not, you wanted to remind me that my main value is in my appearance and docility, and not in my intelligence or my strength or my friendliness. Instead, you helped me build all of those qualities.

When you constantly field invasive questions from strangers, sometimes at work where you have to be tactful despite really wanting to look them in the eye and tell them to fuck off[4. The things people will say and/or do to a cashier at work when they know that there’s no way to retaliate are astounding and infuriating, y’all.] , saying hi to a stranger and striking up a conversation is suddenly not so scary.

Neither is flirting, for that matter.

Or starting your own business.

I’m sure all of these things would have come to me with time as I came into my own, but dealing with unprompted rudeness on a regular basis certainly sped up the process, along with giving me a deeper knowledge of who I am and what I can withstand.

They might think I’m purely ornamental.

I think: try me. Scratch this pretty surface and you’ll  find steel.

PS: If you want to read more about tattooing specifically as it relates to women, this book (Bodies of Subversion: a Secret History of Women and Tattoo) rocks. 

(originally published here in June 2013)

(This is another repost, originally published in June 2013)

I feel like I’ve been transported back to the fifties. On Facebook.

At least three times in the last few months, I’ve seen some variant of this:

“If men aren’t doing xyz it’s because the women in the relationship aren’t ALLOWING them to.”

Or:

“If your man isn’t taking responsibility for his actions it’s because you’re emasculating him by not being fully feminine.”

—

(I’m about to get my rant on, so y’ll strap on your seatbelts and prepare: there’s sweariness ahead.)

—

Let’s paraphrose those arguments, shall we? I think it goes like this:

Got a problem? Blame the woman.

So. Can someone tell me when the FUCK it became acceptable for people  – Life-coachy people, even! People who are supposed to be all enlightened and shit! – to insist that male bad behavior is the fault, not of the men acting badly, but of…wait for it…WOMEN?

That’s right, straight ladies: when “your man” (husband, boyfriend, whatever) has serious issues, is behaving badly or unacceptably, the source of the problem is  you. 

Like I said: Got a problem? Blame the woman.

(Mothers might already be acquainted with this old soldier,  right?)

Hence the 1950s flashback. If he drinks too much, cheats, doesn’t pay the bills, doesn’t help with the kids, is unpleasant, irresponsible, lazy, or, or, or, you probably brought it on yourself. I mean, look at what were you wearing. Maybe a new kitchen appliance will help.

Aside from being philosophically problematic (read: sexist), this line of logic/bullshit might have even more concretely problematic consequences. Like, oh, say, someone in an abusive relationship – including the types of abuse that our society does not readily recognize as abuse like emotional/mental – might read or hear that AND BELIEVE IT, and stick around way longer than necessary.

So although these things are problematic in and of themselves, some people might suspect that my umm, “strong feelings” on the matter are because I’ve got issues. And yep,  there IS some personal history here.

That doesn’t make my critique/rant less credible. It makes it MORE credible. Lived experience, yo.

A year or two ago, if I had read, or someone told me, that my husband’s deal-breaking flaws and failures were in fact my fault, I would have felt ashamed as fuck and like a terrible wife, AND it probably would have guilted me into staying in a relationship that was fundamentally broken for gods know how much longer.

And you know what?

His fundamental inability to behave like an adult had NOTHING to do with the way I acted.

Do you know how I know?

Because he is still continuing those patterns of behavior over a year after I’m out of the picture.

An example. After we split up, I moved into  four hundred square foot studio apartment. A few months later, he randomly called me and asked if I could keep the cats for a few days, because they were doing apartment inspections at his place and he had never paid the pet deposit becausehe didn’t want to.

(Dude. I live in a postage stamp. With a dog. Who does not like the cats. No, I cannot “just watch them a few days.”)

There’s more. Of course. I saw his apartment a few days ago and it reminded me of why I am so damn happy we do not live together anymore. It smelled like cat pee, there was no food bowl for the cats (just a bag of cat food open on the floor), there were clothes all over the floor, no fitted sheet for the mattress (just a bunch of random bedding strewn all over it). A total mess.

My point being?

Something that you would think would be a total wake up call (divorce) didn’t change the way he walks through life. How then could I possibly have been expected to change him?

Let’s repeat: A major life trauma and upheaval did not make him change.

And if that didn’t shake things up, let’s please trust and believe that there was NOTHING I could have done.

A woman cannot change a man by being more feminine.

A man cannot change a woman by being more masculine.

No one can change anyone who doesn’t want to change.

This is important to know. This is important for me to know. This is important for women to know.

I suppose proponents of the got-a-problem-blame-the-woman train(wreck) of thought actually believe it’s empowering –  you control EVERYTHING, little woman, what with your manifesting-mind and fluttering eyelashes – but in fact has exactly the opposite result.

Telling me – and all women – that problems that are clearly, indubitably HIS are in fact my fault  because I’m not “doing my job” as a wife or a woman would not have accomplished anything productive or transformative…except to make me feel incredibly shitty about myself and – bonus! – allow him to continue acting egregiously.

That pernicious  (read: sexist) logic would have kept me stuck there.

And it sucked. It sucks when nobody has your back because you’re so busy watching their’s,and it sucks when you have to be the adult in the relationship all the time and never get a damn break.

Revealing side note: I used to think I never wanted kids and staunchly maintained that attitude for the almost-five years we were together. About three months after we split up, I changed my mind. Turns out that some part of me just knew that if I had to take care of a child on top of taking care of him, I probably would have had a full-fledged meltdown and wound up on the 6 o’clock news for doing something entirely crazypants.

It’s exhausting, it’s not healthy, and the fact that that’s how things turned out was not my fault, or because of a failure on my part to be feminine and womanly and/or my failure to let him be a man. (Actually, all I wanted was him to be an ADULT.)

We can’t change other people, we can only help them with the process if they want to change, and if a dude doesn’t want to change there is no force on heaven or earth that will make him do so. 

(Not even being a “real woman” in the relationship, whatever the hell that means).

Relationships are give and take. Yes, we have to consider our part in unhealthy dynamics and how we’re perpetuating them, but it is also the other person’s responsibility to own their shit and work on it. If they aren’t willing to own their shit and work on it, then it’s not a personal failure of the other person.

And let’s face it: saying these things about women in relationships and to ALL women reinforces a whole bunch of sexist bullshit.

It’s just another variation of “Got a problem? Blame the woman”.

But if a grown man isn’t acting like an adult, it is NOT my job – or any woman’s job – to coddle them and put up with bullshit and “lean into my feminine essence” (gag) until the dude decides to change his radically, rampantly bad behavior.

Rant over.

I’m sure someone will read this and say that I’m missing the point because my “issues” – as in, being divorced and willing to tell the truth, bad girl! –  are preventing me from grasping or leaning into my feminine power. To that I say sure, if safe-guarding your health and well-being, behaving responsibly, and refusing to accept crappy treatment because you have ovaries is NOT what feminine power is, well then you can keep it. Far away. And off my Facebook page.

(originally published in June 2013 here)

Every now and then, a new article makes the round with the same narrative:

• Person writing it was diagnosed with OCD. Or ADD. Or anxiety, or depression…the list goes on.
• After deep, deep thought, they had an epiphany.
• Because of said epiphany, they decided not to take medication, made some minor lifestyle changes, but mostly just reframed the diagnosis and stopped thinking of it as a downside.
• Now: the acronym that could have been a huge burden is their strongest gift.

*cue inspirational music*

Everyone has the right to deal with their struggles in their own way.

And of course, share those struggles and triumphs in the way of their choosing. I know that my biggest struggles are almost certainly caused by the same brain quirks that give me my natural freakishly good inclinations for certain things. And maybe the writers don’t want to talk about the downsides publicly, and that’s fine and their right, too. But these articles and stories tend to get framed as “I used to struggle with it and now I don’t,” or as “this is an inspiring reframe of a diagnosis.” And that’s not okay.

Our culture of relentless positive thinking & “if I try hard enough, it’ll happen” intersects here in a shitty-bordering-on-deadly way.

I used to expect, in large part because of reading stories like that, that someday I would have all of my coping mechanisms totally locked down and I would just be better. “Better”, of course, here meaning “normal”, instead of better actually meaning “doing better.”

It’d look like this: I’d sleep well all the time and never feel neurotic and cherubs would sing and, of course, I’d still have all of those freakish talents.

And then when that didn’t happen? Those narratives made it worse, when it was already bad. There I was, in the depths of anxiety and/or depression, not only feeling incredibly awful because, hi, that’s what that shit does to your brain, but beating myself up for feeling so awful because “I had been doing so much better” and “I thought I was fixed” and “I thought this was over.”

(If I had a nickel for every time I said to myself, “I thought I was fixed,” I would never have to worry about food again.)

That’s what these myths – that everyone is one day going to be miraculously, totally, 110% cured by some mixture of medication and meditation and organic foods and then they’ll have a great story with a happy ending – do.

These stories that only talk about the “happy ending” and gloss over the daily struggle and act like everyone else can have that happy ending if we just try hard enough? They leave those of us who don’t have a shiny triumph story living in the dark. My triumph is being alive and functioning. Anything past that is icing on the cake.

We talk about self-sabotage and upper limit problems and those are real things, sure. But mental illness is a real thing, too, and it doesn’t just go away if you spray it soaking wet with relentless faux-positivity.

Just like we shouldn’t berate someone with carpal tunnel or Celiac’s or any other chronic health issue for being “self defeating,” or for working within the actual reality of the situation, people need to realize that when it comes to anxiety and depression (and ADD/ADHD, and OCD, and so on), pretending it’s not real won’t make it go away, and neither will pressuring us towards some artificial normal.

A person with Celiac’s accepts the situation and they work around it. They don’t pretend that someday they’re going to be able to scarf down gluten-licious snacks and that their body chemistry/physiology will have magically retrained itself to cope a-okay.

But that’s what we expect people with mental illness to do.

Let me make this abundantly clear: I’m not normal-better. I’m better than when I couldn’t eat for stress, and better than when I was spending hours on the couch trying to will myself into not existing, but I don’t think I will ever be normal-better, if I’m perfectly honest. I think that to fit my brain chemistry into the normal-better mold would require an ungodly amount of medication, very possibly some black magic, and would almost certainly turn me into someone I wouldn’t recognize. And I don’t want that. I can accept the bad with the good without trying to pretend that the bad doesn’t exist. I don’t think this will ever be a non-struggle for me.

This is part of who I am.

And I’ve accepted it. Loving it is going to take a while and work and, full disclosure, I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. But for me, I’d rather aim for high-functioning – which is at least a target I’m actually capable of hitting and do hit on a regular basis – instead of this bullshit idea that one day I will never have any anxiety ridden sleepless nights, I will never struggle with feeling hopeless, and yet at the same time, I will still have all of the “positive” traits and everything will be hunky-fucking-dory. That idea is unattainable for me. It’s unhealthy to compare myself to. And when I have aimed for it, I just wind up falling even harder because the gulf between where I am and where I “should” be is so big it becomes another weapon to beat the shit out of myself with.

For me, high functioning is the best it’s going to get, and you might think that that sounds depressing and fatalist, but you know what? It’s not your life. I’m not your inspirational story and I have no urge to be.

All I want to do is get by the best I can, and for me?

That’s doing better. Not being done.

Original inspiration for this post via, big thanks to Caitlín and Elinor for discussing this with me on Facebook a long while ago and being willing to let me quote them in the original draft of this.